The Power of Hisbodadute By Binyamin
father is a big follower of Rabbi Nachman of Breslev. He served all
the leading Bresslav Rabbis of the last generation. He follows the path
of Breslev fully, doing Hisbodedute for hours, Tikun Chatzot, studying
Torah all night, Vatikin. He traveled to Umon while it was still under
communist occupation. More then once he broke the ice to immerse in
respected my fathers path but I was from another generation, his actions
did not interest me too much. I grew acting very different. When my
family moved to England, I joined the mainstream yeshivas. As time went
on I began rebelling against this system as well. The mentality did
not suit me.
all alone in England, I made a big decision. At the age of thirteen
I moved back to Israel, living by my Grandparents. At first things went
all right, however I soon began rebelling against the whole religious
concept. My parents seeing where I was headed dragged me back to England.
now no religious yeshiva would accept me. After sitting around for a
while I joined a Jewish but very secular school. This was very disappointing
for my father, since one of Rebbe Nachamans main pieces of advice is
to stay away from the outside wisdoms. He was very upset about it and
it caused much friction between us.
one point I regretted leaving the religion; I left my school and tried
to once again enter the Yeshivas. However all the yeshivas refused to
accept me. There seemed to be rumors about me doing things that never
really happened. No matter what I tried I couldn't get in. This disappointment
turned to frustration. If they accepted all these lies I do not need
them, I began making preparations to join the Israeli army.
father knew where it would lead; he tried to argue me out of it but
to no avail. Finally he realized it was useless, he begged me to try
one thing before I made my decision. He asked me to go in the woods
do hisbodedute and pray to Hashem from the bottom of my heart to lead
me on the right path. Reluctantly I agreed, I told my father that there
was no hope but I was going to give it one try.
next morning my father woke me up while it was still dark outside. We
climbed into his old Volvo and drove off to the forest on the outskirts
of London. The drive took an hour and there was dead silence, neither
of us spoke to each other.
reached the woods, with out a word we separated in different directions.
I entered the trees going deeper and deeper until I was sure no one
could hear me. The wind was blowing in my face. There was pure silence
besides for the momentary chirping of the birds.
sat on a log; the silence was beginning to clear my mind. I began thinking
about the difficult situation that I was in. I started realizing that
I did need Hashem to help me out. I couldn't cry so I started mumbling
the Tehilim that I knew by heart. As I said them I felt my heart opening
up little by little.
I stopped, I started talking. I was talking as if there was an invisible
person in front of me that was listening to every word I said. I started
complaining about my situation, how nothing worked out, how I felt always
out of place. I began moaning abut the lies people were making about
the sudden my heart burst open, I started crying and begging Hashem
for direction. I begged him to show me the place to go and what to do.
I begged him to help me live the life I was truly supposed to live.
When my tears ran out I stayed there in silence for quite a while then
I got up and started walking out of the woods.
reached the opening but I did not see my father. From deep inside the
woods I could hear someone yelling and crying. It sounded like he was
praying harder then me. I got in the car and waited. Eventually he came;
we once again drove silently until we reached home. On the way home
I wondered if my prayers would be answered, I had prayed harder then
I had ever before.
week later, one of my mother's friends stopped by my house. Noticing
me she asked me what yeshiva I was in. "Nowhere" was my blunt
answer. She was shocked; she immediately started making phone calls
for me. The next day she called, informing me that she had arranged
an interview for me in one of the local Yeshivas. Surprisingly it went
very smooth and I was accepted on the spot. This was the Yeshiva that
was most opposed to me to begin with, now they accepted me with out
father was fast to point this out. The fact that the same place that
had early refused to take me for fear that I was wreck their school,
now accepted me. He reminded me of the teaching of Rebbe Nachman, that
no matter what happens one should never give up.
that year I got a ride with may new Rosh Yeshiva. I asked him what made
him change his mind. He told me that a week before my interview he had
suddenly found out that all the rumors about me were false. He expressed
great sorrow about the trouble he had originally caused me.